Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani
March 19, 2005

[COLD OPENING] Hardball with Chris Matthews



· The usual great lines from Chris Matthews.

· Rob as Mark McGwire refusing to answer questions of the past.

· Kenan as Sammy Sosa, especially the part with him talking in his normal voice when he thought the cameras were off.

· And, of course, Will as Zell Miller.



· Jose Canseco's constant book plugging fell flat.


Grade: A-



[MONOLOGUE] Ashton Kutcher talks with Demi Moore


· Demi was very funny with the old makeup and her acting like an old lady.  I also liked how Ashton played it straight, acting like this was normal for her.



· None.


Grade: B+




· Rerun



[SKETCH] Oprah


· Darrell making a joke comparing something to Rachel's house burning down, and Rachel's reaction.



· Most of this was just annoying and nowhere near as funny as the classic Oprah sketch from last season.

· The whole 'ignoring a fire victim on a talk show and not giving him/her a new house' premise was already used earlier this season in that awful Wake Up San Diego skit with Liam Neeson.

· I never liked Darrell's Travolta, one of his rare bad impressions. I don't know why he continues playing him after all these years, when someone else in the cast can probably play him more accurately.


Grade: D



[NEXT LIVE SHOW] April 9, 2005: Cameron Diaz

· She was great the first time she hosted in 98-99 (and that episode holds a special place in my heart since it's the very first SNL episode I ever saw), not so good the second time she hosted in 01-02. So I have no idea how she's going to do now, but I just hope it's better than her second episode.



[SKETCH] Office Push-Up Contest 


· Ashton had a few funny lines.



· A lot of this really dragged and the whole thing was too slow-paced.


Grade: D+



[COMMERCIAL] Federline


· Ashton's performance here was pretty funny and he made this seem funnier than it actually was.

· The line at the end by the announcer.



· The writing itself wasn't that funny and was too one-joke.


Grade: B-



[SKETCH] Gays in Space


· I admit, the "a sticky, hot mess - the bad kind" line made me laugh.



· Yet another recurring sketch that had no reason to be brought back. This wasn't funny the first time and was just SNL's predictable token 'gay stereotype' sketch of the night. Tonight's installment was even worse than the first one.

· I still don't understand why Maya singing (for her 543,253,890th time this season) at the beginning and end has anything to do with the rest of this sketch. It always seems so out-of-place.


Grade: F+






[WEEKEND UPDATE] Fey & Poehler, Henry Payne, Chris Parnell


· Amy's bowling ball joke.

· Amy's teenagers joke.

· The film during the Henry Payne segment with Kenan beating and tying up Ashton.

· Parnell's rap song. His rap songs were starting to get stale and tired the last time he did it, but I like how he added something new to this one by making it about Ashton.



· Everything else.


Grade: C-



[SKETCH] The New Preacher


· Kenan was great as the deacon and he had a lot of good lines.

· Ashton losing the whole crowd when he mentioned slaves.

· Ashton's energy.



· The rest of this was pretty weak and the ending was bad. Ashton jumping out the window had potential, but it was ruined by the camera cutting to the wrong shot which caused us to miss him jumping out.


Grade: C-



[SKETCH] Action 13 News


· Seth was great here as the weatherman jerk, and most of his insults to Amy and Ashton's characters.

· Ashton and Seth chasing each other at the end, ending with Ashton tackling Seth.



· None.


Grade: B+








· The graphic with the sports image in the man's head being replaced by an image of The View.



· This came off as a rip-off of the much-funnier Balz-Off commercial from the early 90s, which had a similar premise.


Grade: C-




Overall Episode Grade: C


Overall Highlights:

· Hardball with Chris Matthews

· Monologue

· The Henry Payne and Chris Parnell segments on Weekend Update

· Action 13 News


Overall Lowlights:

· The Jose Canseco parts of Hardball

· Oprah

· Office Push-Up Contest

· Gays in Space

· The Poehler and (especially) Fey portions of tonight's Weekend Update


Best Lines:

· Darrell Hammond as Chris Matthews: "Thank God the boys on Capitol Hill are going after the real problem - a bunch of hulking, Cro-Magnon baseball players with shriveled-up gonads."


· Darrell Hammond as Chris Matthews: "(to Jose Canseco) Good God, Canseco, you look like someone tried to cram the entire cast of The George Lopez Show into one suit!"


· Announcer: "Federline Briefs - man panties for wiggers."


· Amy Poehler: "According to a new survey, 67% of teenagers are content or extremely happy most of the time. They're called stoners." 




ARMISEN: 1 sketch (Gays in Space)

DRATCH: 2 sketches (Oprah / Office Push-Up Contest)

FEY: 1 sketch (Weekend Update)

FORTE: 3 sketches (Hardball with Chris Matthews / / Nebulzitol)

HAMMOND: 2 sketches (Hardball with Chris Matthews / Oprah)

MEYERS: 3 sketches ( / Gays in Space / Action 13 News)

PARNELL: 5 sketches (Hardball with Chris Matthews / Office Push-Up Contest / Gays in Space / Weekend Update / Nebulzitol)

POEHLER: 5 sketches (Oprah / Office Push-Up Contest / Weekend Update / Action 13 News / Nebulzitol)

RUDOLPH: 4 sketches ( / Oprah / Gays in Space / The New Preacher)

SANZ: 4 sketches (Hardball with Chris Matthews / / Office Push-Up Contest / Action 13 News)

MITCHELL: 2 sketches (Office Push-Up Contest / The New Preacher)

RIGGLE: 3 sketches (Hardball with Chris Matthews / / Gays in Space)

THOMPSON: 5 sketches (Hardball with Chris Matthews / / Gays in Space / Weekend Update / The New Preacher)